Are there any more 'nun' jokes?
09.06.2025 00:27
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
What do you call a holy woman that works in your office?
Did you hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party?
Two nuns walk into a bar.
3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday?
He looks to the first nun and asks, “Where did the first woman live?”
Otherwise, they’re getting nun.
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Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
A priest was confronted by a p**….
The first one says “I found n**… pictures on his desk so I tore them”.
“It’s only 10 a.m., and I’ve never seen you here before 11!”
What do you call a nun’s cell phone?
“I poked holes in them.”
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The deaf nun shouts “which priest you talking about?”
And the old nun says, “Twenty bucks, same as on the street.”
She thinks for a moment “I’ve read every book in our library twice, definitely no leprechaun nuns in our history”
The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”
What’s a nun’s favorite weapon?
What type of books do nuns read?
Can you share summer photos? Day 8
Fi-nun-ce.
The hippie thanks him for the tip and gets off the bus.
He asks again “you have studied the history of this convent. Any records of any leprechaun nuns in those archives?”
A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**… stopped him and said, “Hey father, $20 for a b**….” The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**….
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office
What’s a nun behind a stroller?
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The nun sternly replied, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
A young priest…
What does a nun wear under her habit?
Did Leonardo da Vinci paint two Mona Lisas? Where are they?
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”
Excitedly the priest stands up and heads towards the bed…
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
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The young nun is still shocked by their presence but answers “no, I’ve been here five years and there are no leprechaun nuns in this convent”
That’s a hard habit to break.
“If it isn’t too much trouble, my friend and I have a couple of questions if you’re willing to answer them.” Says the hot-headed Leprechaun
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“It’s a bird!”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
Nun.
Why do some men like older women?
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US…
Nun-functional.
When did Elon Musk fall from grace?
Seeing all this, the third nun in line taps the sister in front of her and says, “Sister, would it be ok if I cut in front of you in line?” The second nun says, “well, certainly sister, but why?” The third nun replies “I want to gargle that holy water before you stick your ass in it.”
“I’m sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?”
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there’s not enough for everybody. The nun says “we need to save the children!” The politician yells back “SCREW THE CHILDREN!” The priest looks at the politician and says “Do we have time?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
At the green, again the priest takes his shot, but the ball rolls past the hole, coming to a stop just a few inches away from it.
“Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what’s a b**…?”
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
Nun-alcoholic.
She had a filthy habit.
I can’t stop making nun jokes.
What did the nun say when she couldn’t believe what was happening?
A cab driver picks up a Nun…
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
My parents are really religious
… but now that I’ve met Sister Ruth, I’m confident I’d enjoy getting into the habit.
How much s**… does a priest have?
So the Mother Superior of an Irish nunnery is sitting in her office when suddenly two Leprechauns walk through her door; one looking like he was walking off a bad hangover and the other looking like he’s about to kill someone. After a short moment so that she could regain composure (because…you know…Leprechauns), she asks, “How can I help you two?”
The nun says: “To be nailed to crosses, to walk for years in boiling hot land and drown in a flood.” She then teleports to hell.
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
One has hope in her soul
[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Water and then you may enter they Kingdom of Heaven.”
In response to the news I just said “Holy fuck!”
4 Nuns
“We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues.”
The nun replies, “Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?”
The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”
What do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?
“Only five years though. Not quite an expert. Has anyone been around a bit longer?” Asks the leprechaun.
“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun.
What’s a nun’s favorite answer to a multiple choice question?
A cabbie picks up a nun…
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
A nun, a priest and a politician…
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder nun.
“It must be the cobbles”, says the other.
Stag-nun-t.
Dress her as an altar boy.
Later that day, the priest asks a nun “what is a h**…?”
“Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blaspheme like that, surely the Lord will strike you down with lightning.”
The first nun said, “I was going through father’s desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
A priest is walking down the street…
“Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!”
Drug dealers: “It’s a set up!”
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
I don’t flirt with nuns very often…
She had a nasty habit.
What do you call a Nun on the run?
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Which Bible character didn’t have parents?
“I’m 72 and just had s**… with two 25 year olds” he claimed.
“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”
I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.
The first nun responds, “Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“I don’t want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I’ll explain later.” Said the man.
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Two nuns are cycling through the old streets of Florence. Out of breath, the first nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
“Father, I’m surprised to see you here.”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and let’s get the fuck out of here.”
Why are nuns so predictable?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” you are wrong.
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
“GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN d**… BLANKET YA HARPY!”
Nun-convent-ional.
I don’t sleep with too many nuns…
A priest and a nun …
This happens another 12 times, by now the nun is pissed off, she bumps in to Mother Superior who smiles at her.
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
A man walks into a bar…
Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.
A Bus Full Of Nuns….
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can’t get this “head” out of his head, so he asks the nun, “Sister, can I ask you a question? What’s head.”
Nun Jokes for Adults
Half an hour passes and the priest says “It’s still really cold on this couch sister, I don’t think the Lord would mind us acting like man and wife just for one night do you?”
“Because,” explains Sister Michael, “a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!”
A knock comes from the door.
What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**… in it.
From the door comes “It’s the blind guy!”
A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.
“We know it’s not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here.”
A nun, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.
What did the nun say when she didn’t want to answer questions?
“Sure”, says the Mother Superior, “why not?”
No meat
But the nun replies “no, God forbids it!” And she gets out on the next stop.
Well, the sisters all agree if he is blind, there’s no harm letting him in while they’re nude, and it is still *very* hot so they’d rather stay nude if they can… so they let him in and lock the door again.
There are women around but they don’t want nun.
What do you call two nuns that don’t have family in common?
you have to be single and
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
A cardinal mistake.
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
What do a person with a lisp and a nun have in common?
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
Why did the nun get kicked out?
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
The priest doesn’t know what head is but he figures it’s bad if it is something she’s confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, “Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!”
Nun.
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
A nun is walking to church.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“What is it?!” asks the second nun.
What do you call an alpha nun?
“Correct!” Says St Peter. “You may enter.”
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
“Is that true father?”
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car…
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
On the next Sunday at 10AM, the hippie goes to the St. Martin graveyard in a Jesus costume and after a few minutes he finds the nun.
Feeling bad he says, “Actually sister I’m not Catholic”.
If you guessed “Angel nun” you are wrong.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
“Oh god dammit, how could I miss that!”, exclaims the priest.
Nun.
Slim to Nun?
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**… man.
“Get your own fucking blanket.”
“Well done!” Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying, “As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?”
Holey.
The second nun then said, “I was going through father’s drawers and found a box of condoms.”
With the help of our selection of adult nun jokes, enter the world of humor for grownups. With a splash of some glamour, these jokes are made to make you laugh.
Sisters I must confess, I have had s**… s**… relations with a woman.
“It’s Superman!”
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”
With our selection of hilarious nun jokes, get ready for a ton of laughter! As we celebrate the funnier side of nuns, these belly-laughing jokes will have you in tears.
And the priest says: “To always have beer, weed and hookers.”
“Ten bucks same as in the park.”
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun. “What was the name of the first woman?”
One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
“Let me fetch you a blanket Father,” she replies and goes and gets him one. He thanks her but is still cold. After a few minutes he says “It’s still really cold on the couch Sister.”
Without missing a beat, the Mother Superior states “I know for a fact that there isn’t one with in this Nunnery”.
What’s the difference between an o**… and a r**… thermometer?
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”
Virgin Mobile.
The third nun fainted.
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, “Listen, I better go next because I’m not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it.”
The fourth one ducks
While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
Nun Solo.
If a nun went to college, what would be her major?
Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?
Make preparations for a ribald trip with our selection of daringly dirty nun jokes if you want to engage in some spicy comedy and have a naughty sense of humor.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
A nun rolling down a hill.
The first nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“Oh no Father, let me get you another blanket,” and up she gets and fetches him another.
Confused, the priest replies “No thank you, my dear.”
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher.
The taste.
“I agree,” the nun replies, “I don’t think he would mind if we acted like we were married, just for the one night.”
“Oh god dammit, I missed.”
NSFW
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, “Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
St. Peter is surprised, but he tells her, “Well, sister, that was one tiny mistake in a lifetime of pious service. Wash your hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and you can go on in to heaven.”
Suddenly, there’s a huge thunder crash and bright flash of lightning, and the priest finds himself standing all alone on the golf course.
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, “what’s a q**…?”
Why do nuns always go places in pairs?
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
Nun #4: *taps Nun #3 on the shoulder and says* “Do mind if I gargle with that water before you sit in it?”
Why did the church hire extra security guards?
The man exclaims,
Priest and Nun Jokes
2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.
Enter the world of holy hilarity with our collection of priest and nun jokes! These jokes delve into the humorous interactions, playful banter, and comical dynamics between priests and nuns.
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
Nun-jas.
She responds “oh no I would certainly remember that”
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies, “Eve.”
Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?
“I burned them.”
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
You dress her up like an altar boy
“Hey Father, I’ll give the best b**… of your life for $10.”
“You are all going to hell!” he announces. “As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Each chosen will happen to you constantly forever.
The bartender says, “why the long face?” The horse screams, “I will end you!” And bites the bartender in the t**…. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, “why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!”
To make sure the other nun gets none.
Get ready for a craic-filled time with our collection of Irish nun jokes! These jokes blend the charm of the Irish with the humor of nuns, resulting in a unique and delightful combination.
Joshua, son of Nun.
Nun of your business.
What do you call a nun on a bike?
When she flies over, people say:
4 nuns go to heaven
Sister Patrick gasps. “Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?”
Why do priests have s**… with altar boys?
“We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates.”
“I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.
“Do want a q**… for ten bucks?”
… but I’m willing to get into the habit.
What do you call an unusual home for nuns?
What do you call a flag with a nun on it?
Hilarious Nun Jokes
Nun.
“It’s the blind man,” comes the response.
Now, how about that drink?”
“Terrible news, Mother Superior. We’ve discovered a case of syphilis in the convent.”
It’d be a hard habit to break.
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
With these spotless jokes, we highlight the funnier side of nuns, so come along on a happy journey packed with chuckles and good-natured humor!
She said that needles were habit forming.
“Anything father.”
Nun of the above.
Nun-fiction.
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. “Oh no,” she says, “some a**…’s got my pen.”
What do you call a group of nuns with swords?
What do you call a nun that won’t work?
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
Overhearing them, the Scot proudly turned toward them and raised his kilt, revealing a massive erection.
4 nuns died and went to heaven
Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
Note:
St Peter says to the nuns, “Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven.”
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says, “Oh, that’s a hard one”.
“Actually I am” says the cabbie.
The second nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“Thank the Lord you are alright!”, exclaims Sister Patrick. “But what happened to that man?
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
A priest is doing some community work downtown…
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
Three nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter.
The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
Two Irish nuns were visiting Scotland for the first time when they saw a burly Scot wearing a traditional kilt. One nun whispered to the other, “Do ye suppose it’s true what they say? That they dinna wear anything underneath their kilts?”
The nun screams “DON’T ASK ME IF I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!”
“I’m telling everybody”
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
Mother superior strokes her chin “oh I doubt that. Certainly a story like that would have made it’s rounds through here by now.”
Irish Nun Jokes
The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun “have you held a phallus” and the nun said “accidentally I touched the tip once” and the angel said “wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared”, the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun said “I once held one in my palm for a brief second” and the angel said “wash your palm in that basin of holywater and your sins will be cleared, the 4th nun came in rushing before the 3rd nun and the angel said “calm down sister there is no need to rush ” and the nun said “I am not washing my mouth with that water after the 3rd sister washes her ass with it”
Why was the nun upset about her new job?
The bartender says, “What is this? A joke?”
Because it’s a bad habit.
Nun are safe.
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
What’s a nun’s favorite fruit?
What do you call the never-before-seen nun outfit?
I know a nun who says her nightly prayers in the shower.
“I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
She had a drug habit.
The younger one didn’t touch it.
Nun of your business!
A roamin’ Catholic.
The c**… had a hole in it.
She’s nun-touchable.
It’s incest to have sex with sisters.
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, “hey sister what’s ‘head’?
Leprechaun nuns
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross, sister.”
Sorry, it’s a habit.
He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
He doesn’t understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles “no thank you” and hurries Back to the church.
Ba-nun-as.
The priest takes his putter and puts the ball towards the hole, in what should be in incredibly easy shot. Unfortunately, the ball skims the side of the hole and overshoots, coming to rest just next to it.
“And,” Mother Superior continues, “the condom was broken.”
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
Who’s there?
Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.
Mother superior adjusts her glasses in disbelief at what she is seeing. “My goodness for such special guests please ask anything you wish”
I realized why priests always have s**… scandals with boys
“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the Mother Superior says. “It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls.”
“Hello nun” he says, “God told me I shall come to Earth to fuck with you!”
Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest’s desk.
“Oh, you know,” says the nun, “$10, same as downtown.”
“Top of the morning to ye, mother! We come with a question. Are there any leprechaun nuns here?”
… when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It’s getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says “I don’t think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I’ll take the couch, you can have the bed.” She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the night the priest says “Sister it sure is cold on this couch.”
A nun-profit.
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
“Well,” replies Sister Michael, “After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress.”
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
“Yes it is, sister.”
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
“Oh God dammit, I missed.”
“Oh no” states the Mother Superior, “Though the possibility exists, why would they go away from their homeland to be a nun?”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
Sister Mary: “Who is it?”
What do you call oyster nuns?
The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”
“Are you kidding?!” the priest said. “You can’t do that. 100 Hail Mary’s and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?”
What do you call nun in heaven?
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
How many nuns have a husband?
A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar
Through her “missionary” work course.
“Is that when you swore?”
The nun replies. “That’s OK, my name is Bruce and I am going to fancy dress party.”
Knock! Knock!
I wrote a novel about religious women.
The nuns
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
The leprechaun grins. “if not in Ireland I know there are convents all over gods creation. Perhaps one is there?”
Why can’t you ever touch a nun?
Nun.
“Oh, faith and begorrah! That’s gruesome!” screamed the nuns, running away.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door. She says, “Who is it?”
she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
“Oh mother superior has been here nearly sixty years and she would be able to answer any questions you have” responds the young nun
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
It is Okay, I used a c**….
How didn’t the nun know she’s been sick for years?
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
…when he is propositioned by a h**….
Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”
Nun.
It went nun-detected.
The nun replies, “$20, same as in town”
What does a nun’s asshole look like?
The second nun said “that’s great! The carrots are doing great too, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
She does it out of habit.
The nun scolds the priest.
The nun replied “Ten bucks same as in town.”
The bartender says “that’ll be 2020”
Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun?
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
After the officers disappear the soldier leaves the dress and says: “thank you so much! I don’t want to go to Afghanistan! My apologies, but I got to say that you have a nice pair of legs.”
“Och! Come back!” the Scot shouted after them. “It just grew some more!”
How did a prostitute become a nun?
“Oh father, may I touch it?”
What kind of drinks do nuns drink?
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
Nun-related.
The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”
The first nun said “the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?
Nun.
Nun-derwear.
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, “Excuse me sister, I’ve always fantasised about having sex with a nun.”
99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.
The man said, “I don’t have health insurance.”
Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint… and the AC isn’t working great (that’s getting fixed tomorrow). It’s a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they’re all sisters in Christ, they’ll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other clothes while painting so they aren’t sweating so much.
Nun.
“Thank ye Mother,” states the Leprechaun “My first question is this; would there happen to be a Leprechaun Nun in this nunnery?”
A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke
Cloisters.
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
This is nun-believable.
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies, “I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
Best Nun Jokes
St. Peter smiles and says, “Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
She goes to pray at her father’s grave on the St. Martin graveyard every Sunday at 10AM”.
She couldn’t see that well.
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.
I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Nun showed up.
I have an a-nun-cement.
My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
She leads them up the stairs and down a long hallway to the office of mother superior. The one silent leprechaun continues staring sheepishly at the ground.
A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times…
“Go ahead”, answered the nun.
What do you call a naked nun?
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
In walks the man and says, “Hi, now where do you want this blind?”
She was nun-derpaid.
And then a voice booms from above…
A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her…
And a h**… shouts and says, “$20 for a h**…!”, but the priest keeps walking.
After a while the hippie asks the nun “hey you, wanna fuck?”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
Are you looking for the best nun comedy around? Don’t look elsewhere! The most hilarious nun jokes have been gathered by us, and they’re sure to make you laugh out loud.
They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.
Funny Nun Jokes
Nun who?
99 nuns giggle, one in the back gasps.
We must stop this nun scents.
So a man walks into confession and says “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. The priest says “What have you done, my son?”
“No! It’s Nun of the Above!”
The leprechaun turns to his friend and says “see? I told you ya fucked a penguin”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..
I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
The hung over Leprechaun, at this response, starts to look very worried, and the hot headed one looks extremely angry about something.
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
How many Women Priest are there?
The blind guy comes in, sets some stuff down, looks around and says “Nice tits, sisters. Where do you want the blinds?”
Three nuns walk into a bar
The bartender is surprised and then asks them
Dirty Nun Jokes
“Well what about in any other convent in Ireland? Do you think one might be there?”
“If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?” begged the priest.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary…
The nun says “if it was God’s wish, I will obey” so they go behind a bush and start to fuck.
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
Nun.
The other nun looks down and says, “You’re wearing the priest’s shoes”
I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.
Four nuns have just died
She replied with: “I can’t help it, I have a bad habit.”
It was the priest, because he “pastor” a while back.
“Yes sister?”
Virgin Mobile.
100 Nuns
Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”
Mother Superior looks up, “Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.”
After they’re done the hippie throws of his costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the hippie!”, then the nun throws off her costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the bus driver!”
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
How much money do nuns have?
Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
“I’ve heard the same thing,” says the second.
Out of habit.
Okay, thinks the nun. “Come in then”.
“Why, my son?”
Nun-precedented.
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, “Sister, have you got a pen?”
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Nun #2: “Saint Peter, forgive me, I once touched a man’s penis.”
What do you call a women-led monastery?
It’s time to unleash the hilarity with our knock-knock nun jokes! Brace yourself for a series of interactive and playful jokes that revolve around nuns.
Again, the Nun warns him.
“All right then” the Leprechaun continues “Do ye think there’d be a Leprechaun Nun within a Nunnery in all of Ireland?”
She felt nun-welcomed.
Why was the new nun sad?
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
“Same is in town, Father, $20”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
… and while waking through the park is approached by a s**…-clad p**….
A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head…
Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?
A soldier approaches a nun.
A horse walks into a bar…
Why did the blind nun fall down the well?
My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant
The monk says: “To be ill with a plague, to be a slave and to live in darkness.” He then teleports to hell.
A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God…
What do you call a nun that does the same thing over and over?
The first nun quickly replied, “The garden of Eden”.
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”
The nun then climbs into the front seat and gives him the best blow job of his life. Really curls his toes.
The other has soap in her hole.
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
Virgin mobile.
He’s nun-objectionable.
1 nun gasps, 99 nuns giggle.
Why can’t a nun disagree with a priest?
Nun-chucks.
“Oh God dammit, I missed again.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –
Two tight-ends and a wide receiver!
If a nun’s robes were made of adamantium…
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
Petey: “Sister, wash you hands in this Holy Water and then you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
… are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m cold!” The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she’s OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
What do you call it when a nun sins regularly?
A nun and a priest are playing golf
What did the priest say to get the nuns to stop spraying perfume?
“It’s a plane!”
A naive young priest is sent to New York City…
What kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?
The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.
What do you have when you put 2 nuns and a hooker on a football field?
Bad habits.
The angry Leprechaun, now steaming, takes a few moments without a word to blow off his sudden anger. After a few moments he says “Thank ye for yer time Mother.”
How many religious women does it take to change a light bulb?
Who won the race between the priest and the nun?
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
Domi-nun-t.
The old nun immediately had a stroke.
“We understand there are no leprechaun nuns here now. Has there been any in your tenure?”
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
What kind of kids do nuns help?
Nun-derprivileged.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
Knock Knock Nun Jokes
How much fun did the priest have at the weekend ?
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
……falls of a cliff and they all die.
Works best with your most over the top Irish accent.
What did the nun say when she wanted to get everyone’s attention?
A force of habit.
A nun gets out of bed
St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
you must be Catholic.”
“Father, watch your language. Take the Lord’s name in vain again, and surely He will strike you down with lightning.”
Female monasteries are nun-profit.
Clean Nun Jokes
Nun.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write: ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished?’”
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
“This has to be a joke!”
Lettuce pray.
Why wouldn’t a nun walk around in a bikini?
A man, his wife, a group of nuns, a priest, a rabbi, Little Johnny, an American, a Russian, an Irishman, an Indian, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a cop, a king, a lawyer, a politician, and a dog walk into a bar.
100 nuns are meeting with the priest.
“And Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
What kind of fun do priests have?
Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.
Do you know how many women have been pope?
“Though I could wrong, but I do not believe that there is a Leprechaun Nun in Ireland” the Mother Superior responds.
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
This time he’s starting to nod off when he’s again awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m still cold!” So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he’s almost asleep this time she calls again, “Father, Father, I’m sooo cold!” The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?” The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, “Yes Father, I’d like that!” To which the priest responds,
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
I heard what you said to the nun, and I’ve got a little tip for you.
An alcoholic priest and a fornicating nun were having a lively conversation as they walked into a bar.
The second one says “good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them”.
Which character would a nun be in Star Wars?
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
The nun responded: “should have looked higher, you would have seen the nicest pair of balls. I also don’t want to go to Afghanistan!”
“Then,” continues Sister Michael, “he stopped and pulled down his trousers.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
St. Peter says to the first nun, “Sister, you’ve lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?” The nun looks serious and answers him, “St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a young novice and naive about the world, I gave a man a hand job in the confessional.”
When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
The third nun fainted.
Nun!
Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: “have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?”
They’re creatures of habit.
He said, “Just a sister, who’s a spinster nun.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, “I don’t.”
The first nun asks, “What part did you get?”
The Leprechaun then turns and decks the hungover Leprechaun straight on to the floor and yells. “YE IDJIT!!! WE FUCKED A PENGUIN!!”
“It’s an honor to meet you, mother superior! We have some questions.”
“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, “See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I’ll go right: he can’t follow us both. We’ll meet back at the Abbey.”
It’s nun of your business.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, “You know, I’ve heard they eat dogs in America.”
The rabbi behind them saw it in time to duck.
“Yes I’ve never been to confession before. I’m Jewish.”
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.
A pen-nun-t.
What did the priest say to the nun at the salad bar?
“…fine…” The angered Leprechaun says, “There wouldn’t happen to be the slightest chance that there would be a Leprechaun Nun anywhere in this world?”
The young priest said, “I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**…?”
The second nun replies hesitantly, “Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand.”
The answer is “Nun of the above”.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**… man.
Two Irish nuns visited Scotland for the first time…
A few minutes later the hippie wants to get out too and right as he wants to leave the bus, the bus driver yells “hey you, hippie, come over here.
Faith book.
A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
Nun Jokes One Liners
A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, would you like a Drink?’
The nun frowns “If there was not one in Ireland I have to doubt there would be one anywhere on earth”